I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
