I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
