She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
