You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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