Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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