I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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