man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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