It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
