Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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