In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Randomize
