The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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