i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
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No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
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Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize