I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
