chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
