I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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