I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
