And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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