I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
