my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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