I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
