So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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