The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
