I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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