i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
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I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
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I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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