New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
