i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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