what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
