dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
