I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
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She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
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People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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