the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
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