Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
