No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
