this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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