I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
