I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
