i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
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