You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
