I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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