went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
