Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
