so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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