Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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