I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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