So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
