I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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