It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
