TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
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But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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