So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
