Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
