Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize