the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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