I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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