Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
