you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
