If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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